Friday, September 5, 2008

Autumn and New Beginnings

So... big changes: new apartment, new job search, new social scene. And some leftover inner debates: what to do with the car, how to figure out loan payback, where to strike out on the job scene, how to gauge old relationships.
It is September now, and I am glad of my friends. Nina and Jess helped move me in to the new place. Steven, Rajiv, Tonya, they all keep me busy with interesting outings and new learning. I feel more settled here than even a few weeks ago, but I still have lingering doubts about the car issue- it's like a proxy for all commitment phobias- am I really staying out here? Will the expense of moving the car and changing its status be worth it? How will I use it so that I am getting savings out of it instead of pouring savings into it? Still not sure, so I put off making a make-or-break decision. Sounds kind of familiar, eh?
Next soul-searching question: have I really exited that phase of "I don't feel like pursuing anything" that had me in its clutches a couple weeks ago? I feel less constricted and restless, but still as uncertain about which direction I am facing, and how I can affect my own future.
I am, in fact, afraid of regular work which douses the soul of inquiry in cold water so that it ends up looking like Nerval from Garfield: a bunch of wet hair and two eyeballs: ridiculous and out-of-place.
I need to commit to looking for or creating a money-earning job that does not make me feel like I am losing my uniqueness, dulling my creativity, and wasting my enthusiasm. Where, O where, could that job be?